I, the Future.

I dressed nicely for the occasion. She liked that. I knew she would.

As soon as I walked into the bar she spoke,

“Oh. You’re not wearing pajamas for once.”

I knew she’d say that. I knew she’d smile afterwards. I knew she’d order a drink, and I’d follow suit. Her cocktail of the week. My double scotch on ice. We spoke like we were on our tiptoes, trying to slip by the big pile of bitterness in the spaces between our teeth. But our tongues began to tip a little too hard on the toes, and slithered together in a dangerous dance. And somehow, our lips met on that one subject: the kind that brings two pairs of lips together to meet and lead us out the bar and into the bedroom.  

Red-faced and dizzy, she led me by the hand up the long stairs to her apartment, where the comforters felt too soft and too familiar. I watched as the shadows trapped between the wrinkles in the sheets played chapters of our relationship from long ago. When we first met eyes. When we first held hands. That spontaneous kiss that started everything. The two weeks of total infatuation. The months of puttering excitement. The growing voices. The other guy. The other girl. The moment of truth. The tears. The sadness. The months of depression that followed. Ultimately I wondered if I’d let myself fuck my way into another bad decision. 

I watched all this alone, all while she pulled down her skirt and spread her legs across from my bent knee where I held my cigarette, its smoke churning up in a twisted pillar up the ceiling like a snake raising its head in the middle of the desert sands. I wondered if she had forgotten all about our acrid and malignant past or if she was just too drunk or horny to give a damn. 

She slithered up to me. 

“It’s just sex.” 

“Yes. The me of today believes it is just sex. But the me of tomorrow, the me that wakes up, knowing what it is once more to wake up and not be alone, will begin to fear dying alone, and he will fall in love with you as he did on that night in June, for all the wrong reasons. And he will obsess again and he will cut out parts of himself to try and squeeze his way into your misshapen heart. All out of fear. And you will reply in the cold words you just uttered once again. ‘It’s just sex.’ And he will hear the words, and be unable to bend his heart to make that true. You’ll be a liar for it. And the me of yesterday will shake his head telling the me of tomorrow ‘I told you so.”  

“You say nice words sometimes.”

She slipped into her covers, and slept. And I left quietly, leaving nothing behind but a kiss on her cheek. And the me of tomorrow winced, cried out for more, and then became me no longer. 

Short Story #2.

There’s lipstick that won’t come off my collar, and a smile that won’t come off my face. 

A Crippling Distance.

“I will create a bridge between your heart and mine, and together we will traverse the universe between souls.” 

I sigh her name like a short song. And her voice ebbs and flows into the depths of my conscience, whispering echoes around me like thunder in the mountains. I shudder at the shimmering beauty I once beheld before me, in my very arms, in this very room. For a moment I wish for her return with such ferocity that I bend my mind to bring her back to me. She flickers for an instance, speaking my name once, and on my knees I watch the afterglow of her image fade away into somber silence. The shadow of nostalgia binds me from my ankles to my chest, imploding into a surge of a bittersweet singularity forming along the horizon of my mind’s eye: a thousand smiles, kisses, embraces, tears, fights, caresses, wrapping and sewing itself deeper into the darker fibers of my heart. Wincing at the emptiness besides me. My empty hands. The ones you once held so tightly, twitching at the mere sound of your name. Exfoliating emotions down, down, down into a twisted hope and fantasy that maybe out of these ashes, you and I might find each other once again.  

I couldn’t listen to a single word she said as I sank into the water below. Whether she screamed my name, or just cried out in hysteria. I didn’t know. But I wanted to jump, so I did.

Favorite Book.

At a young age, before every night, my mother would read a book to me. This instilled a great sense of imagination into my curious mind. We carried on this tradition, at least up until the release of the first two Harry Potter books. Each and every tale would inspire my mind to ponder wildly into the possibilities of what may happen next. And with the end of every story, I would vigorously ask her to repeat it over again. I always wished that if my life were a story, I could change the parts that I wished to omit, and start over again. On a new night, perhaps a rainy night, someone could read the story of my life to me the way I wished it were. It’s not regret per se, just that if things had turned out differently, it could be new again. I always wanted a time machine of sorts, but times and age are bestowed upon us only as generously as the universe provides. The universe has provided me plenty, and still I am left unsatisfied. It’s a terrible sort of thing. A sad sort of tale with an open ending. I became an artist of deception, one who always tried to change the past through the future. A futile historian, experimenting down dark paths. Strange how some people are bound to twist good fortune into sorrow. 

Short Story #1.

I decided I wanted to rid myself of all things that reminded me of you. I own nothing now. 

I wanted to talk to everyone all the time. And my heart eventually collapsed with the wanting, and decided to not want anything anymore.

Far Away.

I am far. Far away. 

I am surrounded in solemn silence that soothes and appalls me just the same. 

I don’t know whether I am lonely or calm. 

I do not know if I am sad or stoic. 

I am between shades of gray. 

I am far away. 

The emptiness within me no longer pulls in my heart into shadows.

It simply rumbles in a dull haze, rather than roaring as it did in my younger days. 

The corners of my lips curl into neither smile nor frown. 

I am one. 

I am one who is far away. 

I am at peace. 

And while I have never lived life so calmly before,

This state.

I imagine it to be much like death. 

As I bent over the pool to sip at the spring water, a sensation of certainty gripped me. The pool was still lit, as if the light of the ended day resided only there, and I felt certain that I had seen, twenty years ago, each and every one of the small round stone bluish and vermillion and white on the bright bottom, and the same fine sand suspended in the water clouding it slightly, the faint rippling on the surface, everything. Even the ceaseless flow of water was the very same water that had welled into the pool at that time, the sensation was rich with paradox but absolutely convincing to me. And it produced the further sensation that the person bending over the pool now was not the child who once had crouched here on his bare knees, that there was no continuity between those two “me’s,” that the self there now was alien to my real self, a perfect stranger. Here in the present, I had lost my true identity. Nothing inside me or on the outside pointed the way toward recovery.

The Silent Cry

-Kenzaburo Oe. 

Scarlet Yuri #588.

“I was waiting for my bus from the train station in Cheongryangni,

When I met this beautiful girl with tears running down her cheeks.

Yuri.

When I met her she was twenty-seven and I was nineteen.

She smoked Marlboro menthols.

I smoked Marloro reds at the time.

Yuri was remarkably pretty.

She was tall for a girl.

Long legs.

Big, bright brown eyes,

With only traces of crows feet on the corners,

Peeking out of glittered, purple, powdered make up.

She had her arm crossed over her thin waist,

And her elbow dangling over lazily to ash her cigarette,

Fluttering down the streets of Cheongryangni.

Yuri had a son who was twelve years old.

Sang-Hyup.

When Yuri was fourteen she was raped by her step-dad everyday for a year.

So much so that she began to enjoy it.

So much so that she had gotten pregnant.

Yuri’s mother called her a slut, and kicked her out of the house.

Her stepfather gave her a few thousand won out of guilt.

The only person Yuri could turn to was her best friend.

Min Soo.

At the time, Min Soo was seventeen,

During middle school he was a chubby boy,

Who was made fun of by almost everyone,

But at seventeen, he was the tallest kid in class,

The most athletic,

The gentlest boy you’d ever know.

Min Soo’s father had abandoned him when he was five,

And his mother suffered a stroke when he was fifteen.

He worked at a Chinese restaurant day in and day out to keep her alive.

When Yuri was kicked out of her home,

She came to Min Soo and cried in his arms.

He said, “I can take care of my mom. I can take care of you too.”

So he did. For two years.

But Min Soo’s mother passed away,

Shortly after Sang-hyup’s first birthday,

Yuri took Min Soo’s virginity then.

These things happen in a strange sort of way.

As Sang-hyup got older,

Min Soo’s paycheck began to look smaller and smaller.

And the strange little family could stay hungry no more. 

They packed their bags and moved from the countryside to Seoul.

And they set up shop in Cheongryangni.

Yuri looked at all the red lights and said, “I guess we’ll set up shop here.”

Min Soo didn’t understand.

Yuri took off her clothes,

She slid her hands from her breasts to her hips, 

“This is our shop now.”

Min Soo cried before he became a man.

He turned eighteen.

And never cried again.

He severed his ties as a friend.

And left his heart in a box

And buried it beneath the Han River.

In nine years,

Min Soo found more girls to take care of.

Plenty.

He treated them well.

Customers too.  

But he was a different breed of man now.

From tradesman to businessman,

But neither a father nor a lover,

Somewhere in between,

And neither.

In nine years,

Min Soo had made over twenty-seven million dollars for himself.

With that,

He sent Sang-hyup to school.

He bought a building for his girls.

He paid off the police.

He paid off the government.

He was not a gangster.

He was not a thug.

He was still a gentle soul.

It made the town thrive.

Rich men came there to eat, fuck and sleep.

And that fed the mouths of poor children.

It built schools.

And in 2008,

Min Soo had the best fiscal year of his life.

And he was arrested for it.

Not as an act of justice.

Not as an act to “defend the rights of women.”

When the department of women’s rights discovered how much Min Soo was worth.

They decided to make an example.

The police squads came.

They ejaculated pepper spray and tear gas in the houses,

Until the floors were slippery with injustice,

With ignorance,

With shallow, breaths and the screams of young women.

And the female politicians,

Smiled for cameras, posing their bloated bodies,

Sending a message to all other pimps,

This is what happens when you don’t pay bribes.

Yuri laughed.

She picked up a newspaper,

Flicked a cigarette at the front page,

And flipped the bird at it.

 ’Fucking skanks.’ “

Author’s Note:

So. Back when I was trying to get into Korean politics, I sort of had these strange conversations with random people that I never really wrote down. I don’t know how much of them are true, but I think they are interesting stories nonetheless. I could probably compile the above into a short story or a book, but for now I made it a poem.

Korea has a very interesting history with prostitution as a whole. It’s well regulated and executed with such an intricate system that you would think it was a legal practice, but it’s not. On the surface, it would seem that prostitution should not ever be legalized, and that it results in the mistreatment of women, etc. While that may be true in the countryside, in Seoul, prostitution is practically a well-paid internship. You only have to show up to work three days a week, you make anywhere between three to five hundred dollars per hour on average, and your contract expires every six months. I’ve met numerous working girls over the years, and they really enjoy what they do. With prostitutes in Seoul at least, I’ve never heard of any girl being mistreated, drugged, or being raped or subdued by their employers. They often have traumatic sexual experiences in their past, but not by their employers. One particular district, Cheongryangni, got completely shut down in 2008. It’s become a ghost town. Seriously. Every restaurant, hotel, motel, business has just been closed off. The news media reported that it was due to “international pressures,” but there are quite a few other red light districts that are still fully operational and equally indiscreet. Everyone on the street level knows that it’s bullshit. It’s all about bribery.   

Ice Cream.

The refrigerator whistled with the kind of eerie tune that you hear in the catacombs of a labyrinth-like mystery teaser trailer movie. And I opened up the freezer to get the last green lime popsicle only to realize that it had expired back in 2007, the year that I had graduated from high school. And I thought how very silly that no one had thought to eat this little lime popsicle in the five years that it had sat there. Perhaps it had been even longer. But I opened up the wrapper and I took a peek inside and to my surprise it was still in tact like it had never been touched. It must still taste fine if it tastes as good as it looks. But I threw it away anyways. Because no one cares for a five year old bar of ice cream in a flavor that no one likes. 

Sometimes. I wish you would just abuse me and throw me away and never apologize for a single goddamn thing. 

Confuzion.

The worst kinds of promises to break are the ones you make with yourself. I won’t smoke anymore cigarettes. I won’t drink anymore. I’ll go to the gym. I won’t call her. I won’t fall in love with her. I won’t. I must not. I can not. I did. I did all those things. I don’t know if it works like a domino effect or if I simply cannot keep a single goddamn promise to myself. But that’s just the way it is.

I like to make decisions that I regret. It’s just something I’ve always been good at doing. Some people aren’t. They probably don’t regret anything. What a terrible affliction to have. Being unable to regret your decisions. Being genuinely content. Happy. Satisfied. Pieces of shit really. Being able to smile and have normal relationships or whatever non-fucked up people do. 

Your world is painted in colors I have never seen. And my world is painted in colors that you’ll see soon enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see the colors of your world. I hope so. I really do. But then again, I hate you, and all the colors you talk about. I hate it. I hate you. Because I want the world you possess so badly. I would kill you and drink your blood if it meant I could have your world. 

I’m an ungrateful piece of shit. I am. 

Dearest J.

When I think about J, I sort of smile to myself. She was kind of crazy. I don’t think anyone I ever met had as ridiculous an upbringing as my dear J. She was the youngest of three, with an older sister and an older brother, both of whom were total and utter pieces of shit. I mean really. Some shitty people. Her dad, was a soft-spoken man, who for whatever reason knew everything about his job, and absolutely nothing about her heart. A total pussy. Also a total piece of shit. And her mom? Just totally bat-shit crazy. One of those Korean moms that spends fortunes on botox, plastic surgery, mercedes-benzes and handbags and ignores her children altogether. It’s strange. I guess I couldn’t understand, because my mother had always put her needs second, and the needs of my brother and I first. I thought that’s how it always worked out. But then there are some moms who choose to buy a handbag she can’t afford instead of feeding her children. So that was J’s past. When I first met J, I thought maybe if I talked to her, and got her to open up that maybe she would eventually figure things out about herself, and stop going on self-destructive rampages all the time. But I was wrong. I guess I just didn’t have the right tools at my disposal. Whatever she told me, I always felt that I should not have asked. It was a terrible feeling. Halfway through our talks, I think we’d both sort of look at each other and realize that things were getting too serious for either of us to handle, and we just threw our cigarettes on the ground and found the nearest party in town. And as we’d start the car, I’d sigh deeply because I knew right away we were about to get into some deep shit. 

But don’t get me wrong. I loved J. I still love J. She’s one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. But she also had this way of making me make horrible decisions for her sake. 

Like doing a shit ton of MDMA on a weekday the week before finals began. And then smoking a ridiculous quantity of pot, purchased with money we didn’t have. Going to a rave. Getting wasted on liquor we stole from some college kids. We’d start at 5PM and even when everyone else was dying, and passing our at 8-9AM the next morning, I’d see J, holding a blunt or something, and rocking back in forth to herself. And she’d wave her arms towards herself, like she wanted a dance partner, but I just couldn’t lift my body anymore. 

“COME ON JOSH,” she’d scream at me. 

And I’d sort of lazily open my eyes and scream back. 

“I CAN’T. I’M FUCKING TIRED.” 

“JOSH IF YOU STOP DANCING NOW. YOU’LL STOP DANCING FOREVER. DON’T LET THEM TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.” 

I just shook my head like that was the most ridiculous idea in the world. 

But then again.

I haven’t danced since. 

Exile.

They say home is where the heart is. But when you’re an exile, home is where the heart is, and vengeance is the only thing on your mind. That’s how it is. When you’re torn from home like that, all you can think about is how to get back. But as time goes on, the home you believe in, the home you remember all crumbles down and you begin to long for some shit that don’t even exist anymore. Or maybe you still do. But you can only know once you get there, right? So it’s an obsession either way: to satisfy this undying curiosity even at the cost of seeing with you own eyes that home has vanished, or to fulfill the hopes of a triumphant return. I’ve been exiled so many goddamn times now. I don’t even know where I can call home. I don’t remember what I miss. I don’t remember what I’m searching for even. All I see is this face. Someone I never met until just the other day, but someone who’s been searching for me all her life. And I keep hoping, that maybe in time, the scattered pieces of my heart will make their way to her. And my mind will teach me how to keep her. To build a home of my own design.  

There is little sorrow that is more silent, more agonizing than the hunger of the heart left unsatisfied.